Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
