I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
