so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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