I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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