I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
