I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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