what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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