She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
