I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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