I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
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