i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
