Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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