was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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