Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
