I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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