i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
