i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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