I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize