Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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