I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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