I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
