Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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