I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
