Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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