The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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