Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
God, I missed his penis.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
