I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
