I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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