i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
