Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
