Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
