Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Even my vagina gasped.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
me + whiskey = a bad person
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
