just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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