worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I think I have vodka in my lungs
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Randomize
