I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
