he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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