this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
