Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
