Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
