I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
