just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
