I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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