When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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