do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
