I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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