I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
