Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
