I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
