Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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