i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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