the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
