yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
