Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize