Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
