i think my tv is drunk
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
