I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
